Needed to think out loud hoping for a miracle

This morning or rather yesterday we were super down, the irony of it is we had no idea just how
bad things were we were concerned as to how we would yet again make it through another month is this tiny little room, as the bed is truly hard on my bones, the cold is beginning to make it so very difficult for both of us, but little did we know our biggest surprise was right at the end of the phone. I checked to see if Matt's pention had been deposited and much to both our shock and dismay discovered an awful lot of activity had been going on in our bank acct we both were so upset and certain someone we both admit we were sure it was someone it was not, it turned out to be this cash place that literally robs people who don't have the way or means of fighting them legally, the bank in Burlington Ontario had warned me that they were bad and tended to take advantage especially of people like my husband and myself, we both felt certain we had no more to fear as they had no rights to go near my husbands savings acct nor did they have the account number or permission to touch his pention, so imagine our shock not to mention millions of tears we both shed when we discovered it was infact them and this evidentally was not the first time, the lady I spoke with on the phone couldn't have been kinder she was so caring, I could hear and feel her sincerity she did manage to get us alittle money back, we won't be able to pay the rent on this little room now, I guess thats what we get for saying it was hard as the bed hurt so much, the other lady I spoke with told us if we went up to the bank we might be able to sucseed in retreiving the monies they had taken so ofcourse we did just that, it is difficult to go out and tend to matter like this with the weather so very brutal but we had little or no choice anyhow we managed to get there we signed this huge lengthy form, they acknoladged this place was horid for doing these things to people, also knew they didn't have any permission nor right to touch our bank account yet somehow they still managed, so it seems real strange to both of us that a company with their reputation somehow managed to go into an account without permission and take funds they were not allowed nor entitled to, yet the reality is they know full well neither of us is healthy and especially wealthy enough to go back to Alberta and argue this fact with them so I guess we just do the best we can try somehow to survive, Matt I know can take no more of this and nor can I, we both were so very exausted both mentally and physically when we got home last nite we just cried ourselves to sleep. I am supposed to get my check tomorrow sadly just last month I made the mistake of deciding to make it easier on the both of us by putting it direct deposit into Matt's savings account the irony of it is I told Matt I for some really wierd reason couldn't get rid of the feeling this was a bad thing to do, little did I know if they take it we literally will be on the streets of Montreal as we can't pay the rent and it is only 301.00 but it is awhole lot when you don't have it, oddly we were dissapointed at not being able to find a place with an oven now it looks like we will have no place at all, and we know longer own an automobile so that too is out. I must say as I did already my biggest regret is having ever reconnected with my cousin as since doing so my life has gone from bad to impossible had I not spoken with her we never would've come here in all liklihood we would now be living in Ontario which we know full well in itself is a huge improvement we would surely be able to watch whatever we chose on tv talk with people heck ironically we might even have had a real Christmas, once again I have my ever so wonderful cousin who reuinited or so she says with Jesus, well if indeed she did we shall soon see, for the heckof it just to see if anything had changed I called her much to my shock, as is usual she once again did not answer, nope her little friend who helps her most days did, saying how tired she was, you know the irony of this is women have been giving birth for centuries imagine if all suffered the things she apparently does I have a hunch women would instead decide to not have any, I replied when she said how she would call me back ya right I won't hold my breath, her little friend laughed for some reason so I assume she realized this was no surprise to me that as is normal she once again was to self absorbed to take a minute and speak with her cousin who she just couldn't wait to get to this city I hope she opens her eyes and God gives her a really good look at just how she is acting she sure wouldn't win any popularity contests the only things I know she concerns herself with anymore are if they will somehow benefit her and ofcourse her kids, they sure are good kids and I adore them I just pray Sammy doesn't wind up paying for his Mothers mistakes as he is young and doesnt understand why mommy just pays attention to the other two, Matt said he felt sorry for him when we were there once he saw it clearly and said trouble was brewing well it I guess is alot worse no, apparently the baby could really be harmed or hurt, I hope and pray nothing like that happens but this is like an accident waiting to happen, well I have succseeded in once again making myself so exausted I need to sleep for alittle then once again take up the new battle and God willing manage to retrieve our money so at least we can some how survive.

This is a photo of me and my amazing husband I know everyone thinks their husband is the greatest mine really is, when we went through some rough times, lol gosh that sounds odd especially tonite, you see we just discovered someone somehow has been using our bank account, it was a mean and very cruel thing for anyone to do, as we live on one heck of a tight budget half the time we can't get through the month, when most people are wondering geee I wonder what to buy for so and so we are wondering gee what are we going to do as we haven't a clue as to how we can even pay the 300 dollars for the room we live in, it is a

deffinate possibility we will wind up homeless as a result of this, and my husband deserves a much better life then the one we are living, this man carried me up three flts of stairs he fed me

cooked, cleaned did all the things I used to do, then when I wasn't able he never even hesitated he just did it, he is ill, I know him better than anyone on this planet I have no clue what I would

ever do if he weren't in my life I refuse to think along those lines, and now this, we had a really rough month this one seemed alot longer for some reason, my cousin who's bright idea it was for us to come here, you know when she called me in Burlington Ontario, saying how terriffic Montrel had become you would think I would have known better it had never been a place of fond memories for me so what the heck allowed me to believe otherwise, when I first arrived I had a bad feeling immediately my bus arrived early so I was left to fend for myself and this body tends to hurt most days some worse than others, well I finally broke down and called her, she sounded all excited asking me where I was, I ofcourse said here at the bus station, my bus got in early it should've been a clue when she didn't even pretend she had hurried or put herself

out in the least, anyhow she finally arrived with two youngsters with her, they are neighbours good kids the boy went got my bags loaded them into her van and put the thingy I had rented back for me a real sweet youngster, I appologize as I have forgotten his name for the moment it is likely that because of all the crap we have gone through since arriving the irony of it is, she still seems to feel like we don't realize how amazing this wonderful place is, before my husbnd got here I spent most days and nites alone, I would watch tv my sweet Matt would phone always did enquire as to why was I again alone I always said well I suppose she is tired she is after all pregnant, now I suppose the excuse would sound something like I don't know why she never ever picks up the phone and calls to say gee how are you guys doing, are you both ok, is there anything perhaps that you might need, I know she had the baby, oh she didn't call, goodness no, her husband did, he is a kind man I have nothing but the utmost respect for him his name is Owen, and my heart really does go out to him as I now see alot clearer than I did before, my cousin actually told me she had her doubts about our cousin Peter, well how kind of her to decide on her own it was us to find out if he was legitimate, if he could be trusted, how oh so kind of her, I am not stupid nor is my husband she saw quickly she couldn't run him as she does most others who do hang around her most are always doing for her, I like her view on things its ironic how she really thinks she is faultless, my gosh she is so full of herself it is beyond sad, she I assure you will be one of the first to hear my voice as I am going to take my wonderful husband over to her house tomorrow and let her know just how very helpfull she really has been that thanks to her, we both in all liklihood will loose this little room she talked us into renting, it is small but it is indoors, we don't have alot but God knows we sure did need our checks, we found 0ut tonite someone is using our account and has been all this month it could only be one person I hope this makes her happy to finally know for sure whether or not she can trust her cousin Peter, I can tell you this much if I can ever get us somehow into a proper home with a real bed to sleep on, perhaps even a tub to bathe in instead of the shower we are using and its a battle each and everytime, Oh I am so mad right now, Matt could in all liklihood have already been treated in Ontario, but my cousin Sam knows best so ofcourse as I was so sure she really loved me as she said she did, I like a fool brought my husband the love of my life to this living hell, he has gone hungry many days and nites, he is so very tired, his counts are very low, and I know if I say or rather when I tell her how I feel her response will be it is Matt's fault as he doesn't accept Christ as his saviour, well I do and always have and the God I believe in would never approve of her deceitful ways, using God for her own needs and justifications is crap, just as is anything she has ever said to me, example I was on the phone with her ofcourse I called her, she wanted to go back to the hospital she had the kids by herself and was finding it too hard to deal with, my husband again tried to help her, I phoned her and asked her for a foodbank, she insisted help was everywhere here, funny we couldn't even find a loaf of bread, nothing the woman she told Matt about did call back if we can wait till January by golly they just might give us a helping hand isn't that the sweetest, if you haven't noticed I am real angry as I am typing this, man am I ever, I really beleived her, since we moved into where in her words I would have an amazing support system our phone has wrung a total of perhaps 5 times if that, you see she did used to phone b4 she had her baby on Sunday and offer a ride to church, she made a point of saying how very exspensive it had been for her to drive me all over when I first got here,so even though I had already gave her money for gas bought all the lunches oh and at her asking also paid for the outfit she wanted for church, she was a clever con but a con is just what she was she knows just what to say, how lonely I am, so she got her money she needed and her clothes also her baby items, and now she just doesn't need me, I asked her for a loan, odd she had nevr before hesitated she did this time does she perhaps know what is up with my bank card, I pray I am only even thinking this because of just how exausted I really am, surely even she wouldn't be involved in such a scheme, I always paid her back, and generally alittle extra so I find this odd, she knew how bad we needed help we called several times, God if you hear me please I need a gigantic miracle a vehicle so we can have comfort and our baby enough cash for gas, and he very best dr ever to please fix my Matt I love him so much, I am going to go and rest and its aftr 1am here I am determined to contact the bank first thing in the am and God willing get our money back, this is beyond cruel, we have so very little why would someone do this to someone with nothing to take to do it at all is dispicable but we will be on the street with nothing except bad health to go along with it, pure cruelty I will find who did this and they are going to pay for just how mean they were, well another wonderful nite in this heck of a town has passed God please help us, we need you now more than ever, love you Jesus!

Sunday Morning and Afternoon have come down

Well its now Sunday, I slept the best

part of Saturday away, my amazing husband somehow found the strength

to do some laundry, he also while I was up, redid the bed or whatever it is we are sleeping on, the ironic thing is I just noticed I am typing right beside this beautiful special friends label the irony is I have received this in the mail many many times, but isn't it funny I sure could use a friend right about now but anyone of them, oops thats right I almost forgot myself it is mostly my fault,,the bestones are either passed away as is the case with Sandy and Sharon, two gals I really thought the world and all of, totally different in every which way especially their demise, Sharon well she pretty much did it to herself, she got involved in a very unhealthy relationship, then just couldn't handle it so she overdosed herself and took her life, for that I will never forgive her, then there is sweet Sandy many people were

angry with her I was reminded of this only yesterday in an email, at first I was so mad, how dare anyone say anything mean about her,but then I calmed down and thought what she said through and I knew for a fact she was just telling the truth, she rarely heard from her, only when she needed a ride or money it was that way with her but not always, and for me for myself I choose to remember the good times ya know Tim sang a song its called Please Remember Me, in all her life she worked so very hard, not having the slightest inkling of the impact her death would have on the world, and it is indeed the world, every newspaper from underground rock to the LA Times carried it, she was even on CNN why was it that it took her loosing her life to be the story there are many other things she did before anyonelse but it seems as though the entire world chose to ignore how she played the hell out of the drums, she water skiiid like nobody's business she loved animals, oh her heart sure was big and in the most part it was always in the right place but too many times she opted for the wrong choices thus why some are not remembering her in the same way as I choose to her memorial is December 9th, I still can hear my amazing husbands initial words when we first heard he knew how terribly heartbroken I was,so ever the problem solver he assured me we would indeed be there, I knew in my heart all along we wouldn't be but I instead chose to believe the impossible, just like I chose to actually fantasize that somehow we would again have the chance to see Tim and Faith, they were so very kind and caring, even the nite we accidentally called his sister Tracey in the late hours she was so kind, I even received an email shortly after saying that if we needed anything to please let her know, what would you do if you were me, would you be able to pick up a paper and a pen and write to a sweet woman whom you have never actually even met and ask this person if there is any hope that perhaps her brother and sister-in-law might consider helping this couple that they met once in Calgary, oh sometimes it seems almost possible then I regain some sense of reality and can't seem to bring myself to ask, some people who know just how much I admire them seem to almost think me stupid for not asking for help God knows we sure do need it, butjust whom am I suppossed to ask, and also how do I go about it, there is nothing we don't need we have a room at present that we sleep in, the bed hurts my bones so badly that most nights I awake in tears or real close, I am beginning to believe this is normal, then on some fluke I will either stay awake and see something on tv orelse I will manage somehow to get outside which I haven't done in a very longtime, this past month I have been out of this house, once to go to the store and get alittle bit of air, then I went to Church last Sunday nite, it was so terriffic and gratifying to be able to sing His praise, I really needed that and was so happy that I talked my cousin into going, she usually is all happy to go but here lately she doesn't want to I feel really hurt and for lack of a better word used, she told me this was the place to come, here it would all be better, we would have real friends a place to live,she neglected however to mention we would only hear from her on the rarest of occassions I callled her last week as we didn't have a loaf of bread in the house, or milk nothing, Matt asked her for the number for the food bank, oh I couldn't believe it she gave him a number knowing full well they were done taking food hampers and to add insult to injury weren't even helping with food, this has been the biggest nitmare of our lives, I will go to my grave never forgiving her for lying to me about everything she convinced me this place was the best for cancer treatment not true, infact complete opposite the oncologists are going on strike heck her church is so far I am not even able to attend, at times though I wonder if she isn't doing that on purpose to make it impossible for us to actually make some new friends she knows like her I too have a past but thats just what it is, the past and I will say onething in my past their were very few times I ever found myself short for cash ever, always just went to the nearest bank machine, many people benefitted from my cash, they

all say the samething what goes around comes around if this is true well I oughta win a lotto and it should happen before this Chritmas infact it should've happened this past week as their were many people I took in, fed, clothed, you name it, if they had homes it was nothing for me to pay a months rent to help to get them on their feet, man where the heck are they all today this is driving me crazy I look at Matt I know how misserable he is, as am I, and theres little to nothing I am even able to do about it, well I am shocked to say this as usually I am freezing in this dump but not this time I am about to roast as its so small the computer is right next to the heat vent but even with the window it is way too hot, Matt must not know it got alittle bit warmer outside, well I am done for now, this is just me being mad as usual, in my life I always had said I never left anything in Montreal what the hell was I thinking ever coming back here as this is surely hell it is even worse then some of those hell holes I was in as a kid at least then I had a tv to watch this really is the shits and capitilize the s, Tim and Faith are beautiful people, perhaps they would consider hiring 2 sick people ya right!?!

Hi, well its finally Friday and for a nice change after an unusually rough day I am feeling awhole
lot better, I just added to of my favorite photos, the one is "Timmy" he is standing right beside
the street named for him by his hometown,which he is very involved in,this man is really amazing not just because as we all know the obvious, he is oh so easy on the eyes, also he is ever
so easy to look at I sure have never had a problem in this field, anyhow the other I threw in just for compassion it is of Tim taken at his special hideaway in the Bahamas, if you look at it you will see he is doing one of his favorite past times, he is about to take his jet ski out for a spin, oh I as
usual got off track, his hometown is so proud of him, he has been amazing he has never ever turned his back on anyone we were always impressed by his music, ofcourse his looks didn't hurt him anyhow it is also I do really feel a sort of special compassion for him,he found out about Tug at age 11 I was to be adopted only to be thrown into a nite mare at age 13, also I love his wife she is so sweet, when we met her we were so surprised, we knew we would meet Tim, but never thought we would have the pleasure of meeting this sweet down to earth "Mississippi Girl" and that is just what she is, ok now I am going to have a much needed sleep, I have alot to say as far as Tim goes and ofcourse my life, who knows maybe one of these days to quote a wonderful man, I might actually get the nerve up and somehow publish a book,as I really have exsperienced many things God has some kind of plan for me, I do so wish he would let me in on it, have a terriffic sleep I hope I do, nitey nite!!

My Friday Post

"My Angel on Earth"

I have always loved this, I am feeling really down tonite, I can't help
it I watch my amazing husband and all the while he sleeps, I know I should be skeeping with him, in all honesty I don't know what is even
keeping me awake, I am just scared if I take my eyes off him he will
stop breathing, I know how much he loves me, he fought hard, he said
he wasn't going to leave us and he didn't God I love him so much, I am so worried, as the church says if he isn't baptised and doesn't accept Jesus as his lord and saviour I will never see him again, I have always been a positive person,I actually took a chance and opened up alittle on a public msg board I bawled my eyes out reading the answers but only one was mean, they basically said I should take a bunch of pills, how mean,the sad part is I have thought of it I am ashamed to say but then my belief in God and also my love of my husband and knowing he would be so lost without me as I will without him the drs said I should be resting heck just how do I do that I am so 'tired this is the worse of the worse, wow thankfully nobody knows about my release place except me, it has to stay this way, I will hopefully be able to someday soon show my husband as I know I am not helping him at all being this worried and getting so little sleep as I will surely have another stroke or heartattack and he needs me my back really cannnot do this so for it I am g0ing to go run the water as heart as I can, I am hoping I can manage to feel well enough to fix us something to eat, even if it is just a box of kraft dinner I am
s0 hoping that soon my sweet "Angel without wings" Kate calls, if she feels my vibes I know she should be calling soon, I would so love to hear from her but then it wouldn't be fair to her either
she knows we are not too good wow that a different way to look at this joke of a life we are no
longer really living all we do is go day to day its like living but waiting for it all to end, How morbid my life has become, please forgive me honey I adore you so!!! God how I love you if my love for you and your love for me could heal us I have know doubt that we would both be well!!

hello, me again, as promised alittle more about Sandy West the best ever female drummer and
for that matter she could surely out do many of the males out there and I doubt anyone would
argue that fact as she even landed on Ludwig's top 25 spot, something I know for a fact she was
so very proud of as she drove me upto see the list in Hollywood one nite, oh that gorgous smile she could lite up any room with!! It was most deffinatelly lighting up the car, ok as everyone is
aware of she began as a drummer because unlike her sister she hated the violin, so her grandfather bought her a drum set, well she astounded everyone cause she sure could play and
play she did, onething anyone who ever met her I am sure would all agree she sure wasn't a shy
kid, oh no just the opposite thus when she spotted I shall refer to him as sir fowley (or sir ripoff) which ever they are one and the same, she thought nothing of walking right upto him and making it known she was a drummer, he in her words said he saw dollar signs and the rest is
history and will live on forever, I put up some photos, I am waiting for a few personal ones a
person thankfully we sent copies to still has as I had a fire and wouldn't have any left, and then I
will do my best to elaborate alittle more on my story and just how amazing a person she really
was, these are from ofcourse you will notice the Runaways, the others are mostly either just
Sandy, or her and Debbi who she really admired it was Deb who first warned her to get out as
she knew he was ripping them off they never saw a penny of royalties, it sickened me when I
read she had actually gone without meds. I have come in contact with a close friend of hers who
I shall not mention incase someone happens on this I am thinking it is highly unlikely as I am
being real private about it this is for me sort of a way to heal if you will. I will never be able to
thank her enough as I said nothing really but somehow she knew exactlly who I was and when she also told me what I looked like,well I can't tell you how much it meant to me, she said she
saw my photo because Sandy had it in her wallet, I never ever forgot you sweet San, and I never ever will, the many many times we would go bail out "Oliver" her beloved golden retreiver we weren't suppossed to even have, but it was almost as hard to say no to him as it was to her gorgous blue eyes especially when she did that look only she could do. I miss you so
much I came out to LA a few times, sadly all our old haunts were either closed down or gone so
finding you was impossible,my gosh I even drove past our old house, also the studio where you
and your band were always at ofcourse I didn't mind tagging along one bit, I will never forget the first time you took me there, you knew I had no clue never heard of the Runaways it didn't
even register when you took me into the record store in Inglewood and showed me the cover
so you decided to prove it but I was sure you would get into trouble, you just jumped up on the
stage, and started into Wildthing, ok then I knew for sure you belonged behind that set of drums and the rest of the guys joining was a show in itself, even when goofing around your entire face
lit up you were so alive to see you play wow it was something special.
I am going to take a break as I am tiring fast and I wanna talk some about when we first met,oh
my that first day will live in my memory forever in the past since first hearing this news I have
been able to think of little else, God how I would have given anything to have at least known you
were ill, so manythings I just don't understand what in hell were you doing in a hospice,where the hell oh I am going now be back later, love you Sandy and I know you loved me too!!

Well I didn't get completly over my....vent but hey thats why this is"My Special Place" we all do
our healing in our own ways this is my only way to sort of do it I am sure as heck not even gonna
attempt to let anyone read this as I am not looking for pity never have and I sure as heck am not gonna start this late in my life, anyhow I noticed as is par I am trying to figure out how to arrange my photos, hmm this will likely not happen, but many very important names are not
mentioned, it was late or it sure as heck wouldn't have happened Kate is in the blue cowboy hat,
she is holding a photo in her hand, it is a photo of yup that'd be me, she is the best friend anyone
could ever be so very blessed as to ask for, I don't know just how but we both Believe it was not
of our doing, we both belong to a msg board its called cmt the canadian one, well I kept seeing
her posts and vice versa, we followed each other around the msg board, finally I popped on one
morning to see some gal (non member) who was attacking my three favorite folks who at the time I only was able to email one, anyway from the pm to now we have grown very close she is
"My Personal Angel" here on earth, I am going to add some photos here shortly of her and I we
did finally meet in person, however to get back to this one she so sweet she had invited me to go
with her to see her favorite and amazing artist he is again the cma male vocalist so he must be
doing something right, I will if I let anyone ever read this it would be her, as I know she would
never pass judgement anyhow I couldn't go with her as it was an outdoor show, I really did want to see him but it was not to be, leave it to Kate "only" and I stress "only" Kate would even think of sharing or taking me, she said "one way or the other I was taking you with me to see my Keith" I can honestly say if someone gave me or I won a lottery God knows she is the first one
who would know, our really how or what is the word, well I suppose the best term is dreams that are unlikely to come true but wow you wish so hard they would mine is to have a bus,my
bus would be oh so fine, the ones like the stars own, and ofcourse we would travel with Kate and Shawn, it would be their choice separate buses or together my assumpotion is separate only for
the sake of "kiaa" you see she doesn't have the sweet sense of humour that both "Gizmo" and
"Butthead" have, so for this reason it would be the wiser choice I would so love to drive up we
would get someone to drive our's and I would get another person to drive their's the only thing
'is I would make one condition if the colour wasn't to their liking they could change it but every
single thing by Keith available would be included, I would leave it up to Matt to take charge of his buddy "Shawn" you will see they kinda like each other, Matt is not quick to take to someone
so I know for a fact he really likes Shawn, so we would really enjoy travelling and the best part
this couple who works way harder than anyone should have to, before I let her come with us I
would insist her and Shawn flew first class to spend some time with her family as she sure does
miss them so very much! I am going to try to add some more photos and also a few more super
fine folks especially the lady who actuallly helped us to finally get together for the first time, as
a matter of a fact if it hadn't been for her I likely would not only have not met Kate, I wouldn't
have continued to even post as I was so new it was the first ever place I went to as I was looking
for ways to vote for Tim McGraw's videos, anyhow I am going to go see if I can hopefully bring these photos up when I finish if I am not too worn out I will tell you alittle more about Sharon
the sweet lady who is responsible for many smiles and also my Timmy callendar right here at
the top of my computer for me to look at anytime I like which is hmmm always tee hee ok I am
done for now, cya!

Hi, for those of you who might not recognize this awesome drummer her name is Sandy West,
I met her many years ago,we shared a condo in Culver City. She was an awesome person, she
recently lost a battle to a disease I dispise, I will tell you alot more about our relationship but I
am still in a total state of shock that she really is gone. I am so thankful to her amazing friend and former band member Paul Hones, for posting those terriffic videos so all 0f us can continue
to love her through her music she will live on forever, for that I am so grateful!

The other photo is my favorite artist, his name is Tim McGraw, he is wonderful, my husband and I had the distinct pleasure of meeting him, mostly due to his sister Tracey his Mama did a
terriffic job raising kids who grew up with the kindest hearts ever, he kidded us as he somehow knew I sure don't find Kenny Chesney attractive especially from the back and he had a fantastic chuckle at my exspense it was a night neither of us will ever forget, we also met his beautiful wife Faith,she is the absolute sweetest,kindest and most down to earth lady ever "Mississippi Girl" is perfect she is just as the song says, sadly we never did get to see the concert as at the time my legs weren't working and I was in a wheelchair so the venue which was the Calgary Saddledome took our tickets after asking if I could walk down the flts 10 to be exact, I so wanted to see this show,well they took us in an elevator but to the otherend of the arena, we couldn't hear him nevermind see him, we had waited yrs for this opportunity to finally see him live, well we both broke down cried so hard we just left, it is worse but I am not gonna bore you with our bad luck.

Ok tonite is a strange nite, I am very tired, not strange as I am ill, as is my husband, he has leukemia, usually I would have long ago gone back to lye down but just have been wanting to get some stuff out so here I am, I have no idea what I am doing but just hoping somehow it helps me with some healing, I am angry really angry as I am again starting to loose the use of my legs, I have always been strong in faith, it says He will never give us more than we can handle, ok I am at my limit, please no more okay, I hope you hear me, its funny I was never "rich" but I always seemed to have enough never knew what poverty meant, wow things sure have chnged in that dept.. heck we both want and have wanted to just go back to the states it is so much easier on us especially when it comes to pain, wow not gonna happen, we even lost our car, we barely make it and that is the God's truth, it makes me mad,Matt needs medical attention desperatly but hey they are busy so thats life so to say hmmm the doc says maybe next month meanwhile his counts go down and down but none of this matters,especially here in Quebec, what the heck was I thinking and how ever did this province get so crappy so quickly! I am so sore its no longer healing to get this out so for me as is this blog or whatever this is I am doing I am now most deffinately going to bed, cya later if I feel up to it. me

my special place